Below are 7 compelling reasons why you won’t find me recommending punishments to help you manage your child’s behaviour. I prefer to think about boundaries as a way to keep our children safe & gradually teach them how we would like them to behave, and punishments dont fit too well into that framework. Read on to find out why…
1. Punishments put your child's
brain into a state of threat.
Survival mode means your
child cannot regulate their
behaviour, or learn whatever
you're trying to teach them - so
hier behaviour may get worse
in both the short & long term.
2. Punishments only teach your
child that they were wrong,
they do not teach them
what you want them to do
instead. Children learn by
physically doing,
experiencing, & succeeding -
over & over again.
3. Undesirable behaviour is often
related to under-developed
impulse or emotional regulation
skills. Punishments cannot speed
up the development of these
skills, so your child will likely make
the same mistake again, creating
a vicious cycle of punishment,
stress, & shame for both of you.
4. Due to their developing
prefrontal cortex, children
struggle to connect the
punishments with the "crime"
especially if they not logically
or temporally (time) connected. This
means punishments rarely
prevent a behaviour
happening again.
5. We often use punishments
because WE are dysregulated
angry, upset, panicked, ashamed.
Because we
are out of control,
we tend to be too harsh, then
quickly run out of options when
it doesn't work. We may also be
inconsistent, so our children don't
know what to expect.
6. If punishments do work, it is
often due to them causing
high enough levels of fear &
shame. Most of us do not
want to break down our
connection with our children
by fostering these emotions.
Nor do we want them to
internalise these feelings for
their future.
7. Research shows punishment-
based strategies are much
less effective than using
clear, positive, respectful, &
emotionally-attuned
approaches to teach children
how to meet realistic
expectations over time.
So, I hear you - you don’t want to use punishments. But sometimes you get to the end of your tether and don’t know what else to do when things get stressful. Every parent in the world has been there, yes… even psychologists!
Check out my other blog posts for ideas from my 6P Keys of evidence-based strategies that help you AND your child stay regulated when setting boundaries. To see the Keys in action for handling the morning routine with calm confidence, download my free guide!