Do you worry that if you start to be more compassionate to yourself you will become lazy, useless, and a failure?
“Don’t get rid of me… you need me! Being kind to yourself will make you wimpy and pathetic. You’ll never achieve anything. Don’t even try it…”
And of course for many of us, we’ve never known any different. We’re so used to being critical to ourselves. We’ve never experienced of any other form of motivation, so we believe this story.
But does being self-critical actually result in more motivation and better performance than being self-compassionate?
Self-criticism activates our Threat system, as well as our Drive system (see diagram below). When our body and brain believes we are in danger, we operate in survival mode.
Our “thinking brain” becomes impaired, impacting our decision-making skills and performance abilities. We may avoid risk, or take unwise actions. This can become a vicious circle as we criticise ourselves for any mistakes we make.
When our body and brain believes we are in danger, we operate in survival mode. Our “thinking brain” becomes impaired, impacting our decision-making skills and performance abilities.
In survival mode, it is difficult to learn. We lose the ability to think in a nuanced way, and instead appraise situations and ourselves in black-and-white terms - success/failure, good/bad, perfect/disaster. These judgements feed back into our self-criticism.
If, on the other hand, we motivate ourselves toward achievement from a place of compassionate encouragement and support, we activate our Soothing system alongside our Drive system.
Imagine the best teacher you’ve ever had, and how they motivated you - this is not a namby pamby, pathetic voice. It’s a voice of fierce confidence.
Because our bodies and brains are operating from a sense of safety, our thinking brain stays online. We are able to think more clearly, take appropriate risks, and perform to the best of our ability.
When things don’t go to plan, we are able to learn from it. This then fuels our self-compassionate voice for next time.
Does this resonate for you? Let me know what you think.